Self-Actualization

It's come to my attention yet again that nobody really knows me. That includes me.

Another slow time has come to leave me to think about my life's future and all that sort of high-level-Maslow-order stuff. Whenever these times come, I'm not sure if I should be worried that I don't have these thoughts all the time, or worried that I have them at all. In other words, one of the age-old questions of someone with a psychological difference: which one is the real me? Regardless, the thoughts are with me now, so let's explore the question that has been plaguing me:

What comes next?

I went through high school knowing that (hopefully) college would come next and I could figure out my career path then. I thought I was slightly narrowing things down in college, and decided to go off and get my first real job in the very very very broad field that I thought I was interested. Great. But now I've been here for over a year and only feel fulfilled on rare occasion. I never intended to stay here forever -- a year ago, two years seemed like an eternity -- but now the end of the eternity seems near and I'm more confused than I was before. Isn't that always how it goes?

I took the advice of some career advice blog and started a list of things that I love. I know I've done this before, but maybe I have to start from scratch. Mine is a plain piece of computer paper (stolen from work...ironic?) sitting on my coaching clipboard. It's lying next to me now, silently mocking me. It's a long list, though some of them have question marks by them. See, I'm not sure if I'm really passionate enough about some of these things. I know I love them but I don't know if I'd love doing them, you know? I underlined the words entertaining, creating, and learning. Education, traveling, simplifying, and pictorializing also make prominent appearances in these notes. But is this because these are the things that I'm not getting enough of now? If I switched to doing something more right-brainy, I'd probably go crazy for the skills I use now. I feel like I'm on a seesaw getting closer to the fulcrum so I can steady myself -- balance myself -- but I'm definitely not there yet. In fact, I'm not even sure the fulcrum exists. Maybe I'm just on a ruler vibrating off the side of a bored student's desk.

I have two vivid memories of my "what I want to be when I grow up" artwork. In first grade, I wanted to be "the first girl baseball player." Aim for the stars and you'll fall among the steroids, I guess. Then, in fifth grade, for the opening of the new school, I went for "animal scientist / writer" but remember thinking when I saw it hanging up on display, though probably in kinder terms, "Why the fuck did I write animal scientist? I hate animals." Definitely gave into peer pressure on that one when adding the "animal" adjective. Anyway, I think of this piece of work, with it's seemingly definitive but only pencil-thin diagonal slash through portrait-oriented paper, often when I ponder my future -- such a vibrant indication that the left-right brain battle was already in full standstill.

I've been thinking about writing and entertainment a lot. Not sure where I'll land.