Back in Action

Well, I'm back for another "Semester Inbroad" (not that I wasn't here last semester, or every term ever.) But I'm settling back into Bates (or not), having a lot of thoughts that I want to get down somewhere, and want to document my journey of writing thesis somewhere, so I thought here would be a nice place. Likely no one is reading this, which is A-ok by me. Here goes...probably a lot of complaining and not much good reflection stuff here, but it's my blog and I can cry if I want to. Oh, and no pity -- use your energy on someone else who isn't blessed to have the social support systems that I do.

Returned three days ago to assist with the tail end of first-year move-in. Have been up and down like crazy since then. At first, I felt really old and almost embarrassed that I was still a undergraduate, living in a dorm and all that. Old, slow fish in a small pond full of tadpoles. Really weird/different form of non-belonging-feeling. Usually I feel unprepared. This time I feel overprepared. Can't I reach a happy medium? Next, I'm angry/jealous. Then overjoyed to see old friends and laugh with them. Now very lonely and considering finishing my credits early, traveling/going to the Olympics in the winter, and then returning for short term and graduation. Perhaps a rash thought, but we'll see...

Classes are why I'm here, and I really love the academic setting, taking classes and getting to wrestle with things in books as I work to relate them to whatever I want. I'm hoping that I'll feel more connected to life here once classes start. Similarly, I'm thinking that thesis will really give me purpose. Two nights ago, I had a mini-epiphany: I should write my thesis on the only topic I've ever cried over out of passion. That would be infantilization of the elderly. Still a hugely broad topic, but I big step for me in narrowing things down. I still don't know the solution, which scares and saddens me, but I'm challenging myself to think about it over the course of this semester/year. Maybe I can contribute in some small way, all the while avoiding the paradox of demeaning old folks through my thoughts. Still figuring out whether I'll definitely be done with it in December or might continue on in the winter.

Listening to "All Broken Hearts" by Tyrone. Alleluiah.